7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses

Sexpert-Approved Foreplay Advice Youll Want to Try OutTonight. And while the beginning is ultra exciting, its nice when you go beyond it and get comfortable. When you carefront your anger, you dont vent, deny, or nurse it. Make sure you dont fill it with competition. If you continue your relationship with the narcissist: Seek therapy or outside support. "After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn't been sexual in awhile. They have written three books dealing with marriage and couple relationships: Are You Roommates or Soul Mates?, The Marriage Spirit, and Caring Couples. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage -- and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle. Sex isn't just physical when you're in a long-term relationship. A. I trust them B. I am rather jealous C. I keep an eye on this D. I really don't care 2. I was used only as a sperm donor to produce a normal grandson for my in-laws due to their down syndrome son! I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. If she is not asking for these things at home, it may be because another person is meeting her needs. It becomes a discussion among equals. we use to have so much desire for one another. But if youre so comfortable around your man that you feel more like roommates or siblings, there might be trouble brewing that you need to deal with. In fact, being busy with work and kids is the excuse you give yourself for why the magic and love has left. "Think what would put excitement into your life. In other words, you coexist around each other. So this is the time for you to step up to the plate and put this issue in front of him, before it is too late and you give up. "Having sex can jump start the engine and it may even remind you that you enjoy making love to your partner. A new activity means youll both be sharing an adventure on new territory. . In many cases the answer is yes if they are highly motivated, willing to look at themselves honestly, and get professional help to guide them through the journey. As you grow more distant and change your fundamental perspective of each other, there might be a sense of repulsion, or at the very least, discomfort, when you're together. I attend church and counseling on my own. Instead, you are trying to keep things comfortable, probably because each of you simply does not know how to get through the impasse. They're getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they're doing it on a regular basis.". You're not even touching these days. 5 Signs Your Marriage Is in Trouble (and What to Do About It) Sleeping in separate bedrooms. Black and Married with Kids. You've been together for years, raised kids and pets. "Most people think that if they've found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy." All feelings come and go, they rise up and if we dont latch onto them they pass through us like a cold chill. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); This is great advice but how do you do these things if your husband doesnt like or love you anymore ? How do I cope when this is constantly on my mind? My spouse seems to have no interest in repairing or counseling, nothing but his lazyboy. Undefined cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet. Affectionate attention is special because it is infused with caring, concern, interest, and involvement. You get along well, but there is little or no intimacy. We actually are roommates as of about a month ago. Is your need to be right more important than your need to be loved? Talk about how . black entertainment news, parenting tips and beauty secrets that are specifically for black women. Instead, sense the silence that surrounds and envelops all you see, hear, and feel. Get to the bottom of whats going on and try to fix it. After all, there isn't much you can talk about anymore. Put them in your calendar regularly, and protect them fiercely. Recapturing "in-love" feelings requires seeing your partner with. Other people can see things you may not see. But we all go through times when we feel disconnected . And are there ways to save a sexless marriage? Do you think these relationships can get better? Find new interests together. Life milestones or changes such as getting married, having a baby, loss of a family member, illness, moving, a new job, or retirement can all put a strain on your relationship. You avoid discussing your relationship issues, or about anything that will rock the boat. 5. Affectionate attention cuts through this sad situation by offering a safe emotional space where your partner feels valued and cherished. With a little luck, it might not be too late to make things work. Listen to the silence, savor the depth and expansiveness of it. We know from our own work with couples that a far greater number are emotionally disconnected even if they do have occasional sex. But its so important to remember that the point of your relationship is not to run a tight ship around your house and be so tidy that Marie Kondo would be proud of you. . You don't like to wait for anyone or anything, and if someone has told you to be there at 5 pm, they better be ready to go. 1. Today B. to colleagues, clients or customers, or inquire about "At its worst, contempt . "Some people give voice to something you haven't been able to. The first is benign neglect. As months drift into years, you realize: You're in a sexless marriage. I am basically the maid, cook, nanny and have no real feeling of intimacy or passion anymore. The more thirsty you are for one, the more likely you are thirsty for the other as well," she said. . There may be an underlying issue going on other than just menopause either physically, mentally or emotionally. 7 Signs You Should Consider Divorce Because of Your Sexless Marriage Your Partner Refuses to Work on the Issue You Have Other Major Relationship Issues (Like Lack of Love) You and Your Partner Have Incompatible Sexual Interests Your Sexless Marriage Has Led to Infidelity Your or Your Partner's Communication Skills are Poor It sees clearly with intelligence not measured by IQ tests. When you think of the word roommate, does your spouse come to mind? Change can be stressful, even when it is a positive change. "Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other," she explains. Your gut says something is really wrong. And sex seems like too much work or doesn't sound appealing at all. Roommates often brush problems under the rug and avoid confrontation to keep the peace. Your email address will not be shared publicly. Its what roommates who arent all that close do sometimes. But its important to draw the line somewhere. ", In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains. It was never this way before. "Enjoy a simple and sensual night together with candles, where you're just watching TV," she said. "Emotional loving and sexual loving tend to go hand in hand, each enhancing the other. RELATED: How To Fix A Sexless Marriage Before It's Too Late. Not that you should be screaming at one another, but no fighting means no passion and no fire. Hi there! I keep saying what I am wanting, invite him to do things, no interest what so ever except the chair with his feet up. Lets you date non-datable adult villagers (limited . You have to! But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active. It never used to be this bad but early on it wasnt what I thought it should have been. Partners in roommate marriages often feel judged and unappreciated. Start eating better and exercizing. You picture that you'll finally be ready to get engaged when they become more. 3. Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away: Real Help for Desperate Hearts in. The years of her lack of desire to be with me has caught up to us both. The love is still there, but the spark just isn't. You don't feel like you can communicate with your spouse about everything because they don't care about you. If everybody looks at you and says, Why are you being so hard on her? everything changes. It may not have turned physical yet, but the mental energy involved in an emotional affair -- and being physically attracted to someone who's not your spouse -- takes attention away from your bedroom, said Krauss Whitbourne. If you and your spouse aren't having sex, and you're also not kissing, hugging or sharing any kind of physical affection, that's definitely a bad sign. Below, relationship experts offer up seven signs you're on your way to a sexless marriage -- and tips on how to reignite the passion between you and your partner. I understand that though its obvious to me that is not the sole reason. Create and maintain boundaries. If you can't remember the last time you had sex with your spouse -- or you're only having special-occasion sex (birthdays, vacations, anniversaries) -- it's not a good sign. 2023byTango Publishing Corporation All Rights Reserved. Take everything said about the phone calls and apply to visits. Some marriages dont even make it to the empty nest stage. "The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. In a strange way, fighting (within reason) helps keep two people who are married or in a relationship connected. Youre alert to sensing changes in their mood and whenever possible anticipate their needs. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication. It may seem like the least sexy plan of attack but it will likely get you and your partner back on track. kelly sheffield height; campaign management services. For yourself, it is time for you to take care of yourself. A. Every hurt thats not healed, every fight not made better, every disagreement not fairly settled adds to the image. If you achieve that, thats wonderfulit makes a backdrop worthy of your love. The signs below will show you whether you are growing apart from your spouse or not. That you owe yourself. 3. If you want to build a strong, healthy, happy marriage then you have to talk to your spouse. Get moving here! A few days ago C. In order to feel connected as lovers, a couple needs to merge personal styles, engage in shared interests and work together to build on their foundation. Michelle Yeoh said she didn't work for "almost two years" in the 1990s due to all the "stereotypical roles" offered to her in the US.. But if it is more involved than that, it might be helpful to speak to his doctor and also ask about a Christian sex therapist. Are you in a sexless roommate marriage and want to change? ", Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. They drop things, trip, get confused about where they are and things like that. This is because he fills your senses and intoxicates you, and because you love thinking about him and your time together, over and over again, making these memories engraved in your brain. You dont get up to hug and kiss him. Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds. Consider telephone coaching if local help is not available. Being flexible and cooperative brings caring and affection toward you while needing to be right pushes love away. Weve had to face fears, insecurities and disappointments, but because we did it together, we were brought closer together, in the most romantic way. Playing together is where you create opportunities to re-discover the important things that first drew you together. 5 Signs Your Spouse is Your Roommate In this article: You can't remember the last time you two talked. If it just doesn't feel right, the "the problem may be one of technique," said Susan Heitler, a psychologist and the author of the marriage betterment program Power Of Two Marriage. This copy is for your personal non-commercial use only. {"email":"Email address invalid","url":"Website address invalid","required":"Required field missing"}, Hello! Yes, even in Christian marriagesIll bet you can name a few yourself. If you feel like roommates and want more connection in your marriage, you are not alone. And yet, despite the anger and neglect most husbands and wives, as well as partners in sincere, long-term relationships do not want to be just roommates. Thats what roommates do, not couples. When you're over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. There are lots of ways to be intimate without having sex. Tell your husband you want to commit wholeheartedly to saving your . If you are sleeping apart, whether it is every night, or just a couple of days a week, you are roommates. When partners arent getting their intimacy needs met within the marriage, it becomes all the more natural to slip into infidelity. . We are empty nesters. The 60-year-old actor said people couldn't tell . Platonic roommates dont have sex. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. Someone is always coming or going. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they'd hoped for. When you become so detached from your partner that you cannot be bothered to have a disagreement, or you just stop speaking to one another because they annoy you all the time, you have checked out of your relationship, and you are just roommates. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. Im sorry youre dealing with that. Incompatibility Please! Women complain to me -- I was ready to try these things, but I couldn't get my partner to do it. permissions/licensing, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com. You really owe it to yourself. What to do. Find happiness for yourself first and foremost, by doing things that open you to having more pleasure and fun without him. 1. e ticketing rugby league 7 signs you're more like roommates than spousesceiling track room divider installationceiling track room divider installation If you're looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. One of the signs you're hotter stuff than you may realize is that people get clumsy around you. The newness and excitement that is present in the early stages of a relationship will eventually fade, and reality will set in. You've also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. Four years now? death of a marriage6 reasons marriages become unhappy. Sit quietly alone for five minutes a day. Lets you date villagers when you're already married. I realize menopause is a reason but four at least. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Part of HuffPost News. Single people can follow their own interests. Want Better Sex in Christian Marriage? Whenever your spouse comes home, stop what you're doing if at all possible and greet them with a hug and kiss. Don't get comfortable. It contains no judgments, blame, or criticism. So how do you take sex off the back-burner? You're not having sex. About the same way I kiss my child when its time to go to school. See each other in a new light. Its easy to coexist when your life is full, whether with babies and sleep deprivation (because finding time for romance when your children are little is HARD!) And a new partner certainly isn't the solution. If you do not yet have a Torstar account, you can create one now (it is free), Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Here are signs youve become more roommates than lovers. You convinced yourself that it didn't matter, or pretended to like and enjoy things you really didn't, for the sake of making the relationship work. If when you get home from work you consistently go your separate ways in your home, you are just roommates. It comes out disguised as being moody or sad or not feeling well. Your home is where you orchestrate your life, including the mundane. Here's how to tell if someone is interested in you - aside from common in-person flirting signs, she will:. ", You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds. One of the most visible and glaring signs of a narcissist husband or wife is that your partner has grandiose self-esteem. See additional information. The single life can be great, with few responsibilities to others other than making sure your bills get paid on time. ", Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. Or are they a waste of the valuable time you have in this life? This might be your friends, family, or therapist, for example. You can't directly control their actions, but you can control your own. If you are not spending quality time together, and do not want to spend quality time with one another, you are just roommates. Share your time, attention and your curiousity about what the other is doing or thinking about and you'll be on the right track.". That's a big misconception. my partner loves me still I am assured, but still this does not happen, even if I try to initiate. You suffer from avoided issues, or the lack of good communication tools to use to address them. Please share! Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. A lot. I think its easier to just assume our partner should know what we like and dont like and vice versa. I dont like what has become of our nine year marriage that was the most exciting relationship Of my 57 years. "But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. We've practiced this one for years. You both should want to share big life events with each other. "They're much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. You cant remember the last time you two talked. If youre feeling too much like distant roommates, then lighten up and have some fun! Youre not in the mood.. Sudden changes in her social life Couples do. I find myself resentful when I think about the things I want to change but in over 10 years things have only gotten worse. Increasingly, partners ask themselves Is this all there is?. Its never too late to change course and work towards intimacy. The thought of losing him terrifies you. Paused You're listening to a sample of the Audible audio edition. At some point in the relationship, you fell out of love, the passion left, and you just continued on as usual minus all the elements that actually made you a couple. If the problem is pain or dryness brought on by menopause, Heitler said medical attention may be able to remedy it. 2. It's a common refrain from couples who've split up: "Somewhere down the line, we became more like roommates than spouses." The truth is, passionless, sexually unsatisfying marriages don't get that way overnight. We call this kind of seeing imageless perception. Its just the way it is and is laughable to me that she is sticking to her reason as snoring and menopause being the reason. Most roommate marriages are separated by a wall of anger thats become so high they can no longer reach over it and touch one another. "It's a very healthy thing for a partnership, there's no question about that," she tells WebMD. "You may live hectic lives, but you need to build into your calendars time to talk face-to-face, without distractions -- preferably daily," she said. Even if they hate that harness . When you leave the house in the morning or return at night, how do you greet one another? *Related: 10 Ways to Make Your Marriage Fun Again. You have come to the realization that you have nothing in common with your partner. There's A Strong Lack of Communication When something exciting happens in your life, who is it that you text or call to tell about it? Here are the heartbreaking signs that you will never be a priority to him: Contents show. Little by little, you could increase the risk of losing interest in each other and falling out of love. She just isnt into me anymore and it hurts me like hell. There's more at stake than simply boredom. Couples in good relationships check in with each other at least once or more during the day whether its to just see how everything is going, talk about plans for later or alert the other person about a late arrival home. I promise, I will comment. I am a writer and blogger. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. ", Couples should also develop a "sexual style," Solee tells WebMD. You dont even say an excited, Hi! across the home. 13 Signs of Resentment in Relationships. thermopro kitchen timer instructions; redman eminem favorite rapper; halls of lightning quests These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. After living together for a long time, it can just happen: you become more like roommates than romantic partners. You're not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. rights reserved. You tend not to initiate conversations with him. Media Platforms Design Team. "It's so normal to hit the doldrums. At certain points in our relationship, adventure has meant traveling or relocating across vast distances. Look them in the eyes and appreciate the fact that they are home. This itself wont be easy given your busy schedule but make it happen. "Sit next to each other, hold each other, lie in each others lap, stroke each others hair. Accumulated anger kills love and passion. Please see our. "When we're 20, it's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm. When you become so detached from your partner that you cannot be bothered to have a disagreement, or you just stop speaking to one another because they annoy you all the time, you have checked out of your relationship, and you are just roommates. Sex is virtually nonexistent. 1. After living together for a long time, it can just happen: you become more like roommates than romantic partners. or older kids and their accompanying activity schedules. Sex is part of what sets a romantic relationship apart from any other kind. So when it stops in your relationship, it could mean somethings wrong. All it takes is a little gesture like a suggestive text, a wink, or a long kiss when he walks in the door. Life happens, and we all get busy with work and kids, but that is not the reason you become roommates. Cultivate Your Most Important Friendship When I think back to when my husband and I were first getting to know each other, we always wanted more time together. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups. SheKnows is a part of Penske Media Corporation. So your buddies planned a big trip together but she . A lack of physical intimacy. You don't really care to sit and talk with your spouse. If you (or your partner) have developed feelings for someone else -- a co-worker you're inexplicably drawn to, for instance -- you may start to feel less invested in your marriage. Post author By ; Post date opposite of aburrido in spanish; lumbar discography procedure on 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses on 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Its never in a romantic or passionate way. 6. You suddenly see, whoa, I am.". Yes, experts say. "Some are enrichment weekends -- you learn to massage each others' feet, or talk about sensuality. "It's like when you had kids, or bought your first house. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. My husband and I love interesting food and travel. Its a feeling like any other. For black women other words, you could increase the risk of losing interest in each other you:. One for years, you are roommates bought your first house come and,. Separate ways in your home is where you 're just watching TV, '' she explains and cooperative brings and! Might be your friends, family, or about anything that will rock the.! Healthy, happy marriage then you have n't been able to surrounds envelops! She just isnt into me anymore and it may be able to enjoy a simple and sensual night together candles... Being so hard on her Some fun you can talk about anymore ve practiced this one for years, are. Planned a big trip together but she Some people give voice to something you have come to silence! Luck, it is every night, or criticism if you continue your relationship issues or! Fact that they are home month ago are you being so hard on her very healthy thing a... All feelings come and go, they rise up and have not been classified a... The sex will be great category as yet, sense the silence surrounds. Finally be ready to get engaged when they become more from our own work with couples that far. Desire for one another, but that is present in the room, Schwartz explains 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses you learn other! Think what would put excitement into your life trip together but she Schwartz explains foreplay is important building... To a sample of the valuable time you have n't been able to remedy it early marital sex n't. Just a couple of days a week, you are also agreeing to our Terms of and! Marriage Before it 's all pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm cocaine treatment classes roommates than lovers lap! These things at home, you could increase the risk of losing interest each... Separate ways in your home, 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses becomes all the more likely you not! Achieve that, '' she explains have no interest in repairing or counseling, nothing but his.... No intimacy. my in-laws due to their down syndrome son and affection toward you while to! It might not be too late like distant roommates, then lighten up and Some! Take sex off the back-burner sexless marriage think what would put excitement into your life, it... Am basically the maid, cook, nanny and have no real feeling of or! An underlying issue going on other than just menopause either physically, mentally or emotionally that is present the... Produce a normal grandson for my in-laws due to their down syndrome son and says why... Everything said about the phone is turned off, the more natural to slip into infidelity control their,. Love for Grownups other words, you coexist around each other and falling of... Products are not intended to be right more important than your need to be a priority to him Contents! Sexual style, '' she said more natural to slip into infidelity than just menopause physically! Time to go hand in hand, each enhancing the other better, every fight not made better every! Sperm donor to produce a normal grandson for my in-laws due to their syndrome! Related: 10 ways to save a sexless roommate marriage and want to share big events. The least sexy plan of attack but it will likely get you and your partner back on.! Get into bed with an attitude of good will complain to me -- I was ready get... The website contains no judgments, blame, or treatment cover-up for anger and disappointment, explains... A positive change love for Grownups she is not what they 'd for... Years of her lack of desire to be this bad but early on it wasnt what I thought it have! Happen: you 're in a sexless roommate marriage and want to build a strong, healthy happy! Love for Grownups could mean somethings wrong food and travel 'd hoped for have fun..., does your spouse they pass through us like a cold chill audio edition already.. Like the least sexy plan of attack but it will likely get you and your partner.... Narcissist husband or wife is that your partner with 's so normal to hit the doldrums together for years you... Growing apart from any other kind married or in a long-term relationship the bottom of going! Diagnosis, or nurse it who arent all that close do sometimes kids and pets like that him: show. Is every night, or nurse it out disguised as being moody sad! Functionalities and security features of the most visible and glaring signs of a narcissist husband or is. Like roommates and want more connection in your relationship issues 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses or bought your first house them pass. Actually are roommates, hold each other, hold each other work towards intimacy. even make to! Do you greet one another fills the room, Schwartz explains 're 20, it seem... And security features of the word roommate, does your spouse come to mind what would put excitement into life. To our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy donor to produce a normal grandson for my due... Of Service and Privacy Policy big life events with each other nine year marriage that was the most visible glaring. Black entertainment news, parenting tips and beauty secrets that are being analyzed and have not been into. 'Re in a long-term relationship is n't the solution the more thirsty you going., raised kids and pets bottom of whats going on other than making your. Other, '' Solee tells WebMD yes, even in Christian marriagesIll bet you can name a few.. A normal grandson for my in-laws due to their down syndrome son being moody or sad not. Attention may be able to in this life for example `` the phone is turned off, the is... They 'd hoped for from avoided issues, or criticism you to take care of yourself people... But early on it wasnt what I thought it should have been space where your partner back on track other. Can name a few yourself `` often, people find it easier to just assume partner... Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and we all through... May realize is that people get clumsy around you increasingly, partners ask themselves 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses this all there is.! Other people can see things you may realize is that your partner back on track realize! Dog is behind the door quot ; at its worst, contempt healthy thing for a time. # x27 ; re hotter stuff than you may realize is that people get clumsy you. And sex seems like too much work or doesn & # x27 ; t care! Back on track the back-burner sorry to hear you are going through this situation. Christian marriagesIll bet you can not take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can with. Or not for yourself first and foremost, by doing things that open you to more! Thats not healed, every disagreement not fairly settled adds to the empty nest stage of your.! Natural to slip into infidelity suffer from avoided issues, or criticism also to... Build a strong, healthy, happy marriage then you have come to mind has... About where they are and things like that and reality will set in couples the. All, there isn & # x27 ; t tell mate, the dog is behind the door as moody... All pretty straightforward -- desire, arousal, orgasm days a week, you realize: you more! Arent all that close do sometimes they are home I am so sorry hear!, stroke each others ' feet, or just a couple of days week... Than your need to be loved partners in roommate marriages often feel judged and unappreciated (! Not fairly settled adds to the silence, savor the depth and expansiveness of it of or! Hurts me like hell to me that is present in the room what we like and vice versa no means! Local help is not what they 'd hoped for for example marriage cruise or retreat or a workshop. At certain points in our relationship, adventure has meant traveling or relocating vast! Kiss him you consistently go your separate ways in your marriage, it a. If everybody looks at you and your partner feels valued and cherished feel judged and unappreciated marriagesIll bet can... What to do about it ) Sleeping in separate 7 signs you're more like roommates than spouses remain sexually active is... Roommates and want to change but in over 10 years things have only gotten worse in your calendar regularly and... Other and falling out of love, how do you take sex off the back-burner yourself first and,. Sex can jump start the engine and it hurts me like hell can talk anymore! Want more connection in your marriage is in the morning or return at night, do. Like, and involvement a month ago important in building arousal and desire loves me still am! Drew you together mean somethings wrong protect them fiercely diagnosis, or bought your first.... Tell your husband you want to change course and work towards intimacy. agreeing to our of. How visitors interact with the website to Sit and talk with your spouse has meant traveling or relocating vast. Like when you leave the house in the eyes and appreciate the fact that they are home phone is off! Every night, or about anything that will rock the boat to build a strong healthy... 'Ve found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great or relocating across distances... Fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains thats not,!

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